the human relationship paradox...

 Ever since human civilization has existed, the idea of 'society', and 'community' has been implemented and followed. But why is it that even after 6000 years of this practice, the innate need to be accepted and feel validated by others still intensified? Have you ever thought of it? It doesn't even have to be social acceptance, since childhood we have been conditioned to seek validation for our behavior and even appearances from our kith and kin. And it did not stop there, we call the ones who give us this sense of validation and acceptance as our friends and partners. Yet, we strive so hard to fit into the group that we believe has accepted us for who we are. In retrospect, I believe that we are still run by the 'fear' of being left out from the crowd or 'herd'. Irrespective of the growth we claim to have achieved, humans have this inevitable need to be with each other to 'thrive'. Scary, isn't it? 

Why? Because you go on about how you want to be independent and content with just yourself but find yourself wanting to be with someone and you feel bad about it. It made me think that maybe the whole idea behind 'independence' is a paradox that negates the very essence of human behavior. Neuroscientists have been coming up with studies that show how when a human is deprived of social connection or any human interaction, their brain loses the cognitive ability to perform well. Though we won't die from not being with another human, the chances of losing our primitive functions and developing illness are higher. But, is validation a standard for this coping mechanism? Do I want to be validated by others as much as I want to be with someone? 

If this is the case, why do we have this constant need to be acknowledged, validated, and accepted by the people we want to be with? From our parents, friends, and co-workers to our partners. In one way or another, we seek their validation for our own emotions and behavior, when there is a difference of opinion on agreeing to something we feel as if our entire life to this very point has been a lie. When deep down, the need for human connection is very primate, reiterating the fact that no matter the evolution, human beings are social animals. The need to be with fellow humans or close to civilization is driven by the fear of being hunted and dying. The need to be with a romantic partner is driven by the urge to procreate and sustain the life form. And the need to be validated arises with the fear of not being able to validate and accept our own self. 

Does this mean, the whole human relationship is a paradox? well, I might have rambled about what I think but what I feel is different. I am still a romantic who believes in the concept of 'twin flames' and 'soul mates', but that doesn't deny the truth this paradox holds. Evolution is in favor of a race that has the ability to source its own food and survive on its own, prevents itself from being hunted, and the one that keeps its race going. But even before the concept of 'survival' and 'civilization' came into existence, 'family', 'friendship', and 'love' existed. Leaving us a choice to choose from, do we want to survive and evolve or just 'live'? 

"the big picture"

Ever since I have started this blog, a lot of things changed and are still changing...but the only thing that remained the same is the fact that I believe in, "life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles". I happened to have a conversation with a friend and I found myself saying "I am trying to focus on the bigger picture here" and that person was kind enough to not ask what that picture was. But being the overthinker that I am, I cannot help but understand what that was. As much as,  I have to acknowledge the fact that I am someone who obsesses over the tiny details... whether it is a person or a thing or anything. Details matter to me, I hold them so close to my heart. With this being said, how am I in a place right now where "I am trying to focus on the big picture"? 

I took myself down memory lane before answering that question. The first ever memory I hold so close to this beautiful life is my mom's voice singing our favorite lullaby that puts me to sleep and how her voice and the song have the same impact on me even today. It is followed by a string of memories where my paati got me my favorite cream biscuit and I did not even tell her that it was my favorite (and, I believed this is how love works), and how my mama used to spoil me with all sorts of stationaries even at the cost of my mom dissing at him. And how dipping me in the drum used to be the only right way to spend my dad's Sundays. And how my getting a bar of chocolate to visit my brother at the hospital when he broke his hands was his way of knowing that I love him. And how picking me to be her partner even when I suck at math was my best friend's love language. And how waiting for me to come back home and give him those 5 biscuits was all that Jimmy (my stray) ever wanted. And how, getting me ice cream, every single time we meet and taking these insanely slow walks was my first love's little thing to do to make me smile. And how, my girls trusted me with every minute and embarrassing detail of their life, knowing that I will still love them. And how, even when we had to wake up and work the next day, we spent hours talking to each other on the phone and slept listening to each other breathe... 

Looking back, these are the exact memories I want to take with me when I become dust. Are these big gestures? No. Does this mean I don't fondly keep the big gestures that have been done for me? No. Big gestures were the symbol of how big I am in their life. From their surprises to the gifts they spoil me with, I hold them all close. But, If I have to take a minute and think if this is the big picture I want, the answer would be NO. 

When I say big picture, I meant spending the Sunday together, cooking our favorite meal and watching each other's favorite TV, and laughing together. My big picture is when we are a bunch of 40-something and 70-something women and go on road trips, reminiscing the silly things we did when we were young. My big picture is, seeing my parents look at me, whenever I hold a cat or a dog and how they find it so hard to say no to me. My big picture is, watching my parents grow old in love together. My big picture is, having my entire family eat a big meal together and laugh our hearts out. My big picture is, listening to my paati and watching her smile at peace knowing I will listen to her gossip even when my mom says No. My big picture is, having a passion for the rest of my life. My big picture is, never running out of time to stop and admire the wild flowers. My big picture is, listening to Taylor Swift and being able to connect to her lyrics every single time. My big picture is, being able to tell you my mind and no doubt about you loving me even for a minute. My big picture is, being able to laugh at myself whenever I stumble and not take myself too seriously. My big picture is, holding your hands and still being able to feel the sense of safety and comfort like I do now, even when we are 80. My big picture is, telling my akka to cook me briyani even when I am old. My big picture is, telling my thambi, how I cannot believe he is a grown-up. My big picture is, talking to you without any filters for the rest of my life. 

And when I think of all this, my big picture really is a series of thousands of small moments that makes my soul go "ahh!". The moments I want to enjoy every second of it, the moments I know I won't regret ever, the moments I know I will have with me for the rest of my life. May be, it is high time that we accept and acknowledge the fact that we all cannot have the same big picture and it is alright. It doesn't make anyone else's any small, after all...this isn't a competition. This is my big picture and each and every little moment and my people make up my whole world and life. 

Forever grateful for the insanely beautiful humans I have been bestowed with. 

(touchwood!)

The Labyrinth of Life - or something like that !

In order to feed my constantly overthinking and daydreaming mind, I fed it with the thought of life and the labyrinth (one of the consequences of reading too many literature classics, you could say!). I am not a huge fan of mazes or even maze puzzles and never really wondered why. But I, sure am intrigued when it comes to the labyrinth of life. Because all my life I have always had a plan mostly like a 5-year plan and I haven't gone anywhere without an itinerary. Being spontaneous or impulsive is something that scares me to life. As much as I believe in destiny, it is not really easy for me to leave everything to nature's plan and "go with the flow". As much as I have heard "be water" I could not be because I am hard as ice when it comes to change and spontaneity. But if at all I have learned in my 20s it is that, no matter how much we plan to escape the labyrinth of life, it finds us and makes sure we pass through it. 

As much as I have planned, life hardly went the way I wanted it to be, some broke me and some made me but what stands with me till today is the fact that 'life only gives you what you can handle and sometimes, irrespective of whether we understand certain things in that exact moment it's happening, the moments and the lessons we learn along the path of this beautifully scary maze makes the most of this life. For me, it took a really long time to come to terms with this labyrinth because I was so cautious about avoiding it as if it is something bad or something that ruins the beauty of the life I have planned for myself. 

When I found myself in the labyrinth (when I wrote one of my previous blogs - Luminal space), to my surprise I found that I am more flexible than I thought I had been and that I am not as sad as I thought I would be for not having something I thought I will have at that given moment. I understood what content really means and how it has got very little to do with the things we have. As much as this maze confuses me because at times I feel like I have explored every path that there is, only to realize there is always more and that there is no one destination. 

Recently, I saw the Netflix movie "Look both ways" and it was as if the universe's way of telling me to dig more into the 'labyrinth of life' because the protagonist in the movie goes out to explore two ways of life, only to find that either way she is happy, and content as much as she was sad and confused in both of them. I couldn't help but think, what if this maze called life works the same way? No matter the path we take, some are meant to be taken because it requires us to learn something new to come out as the person this life has intended us to be and some are meant to be taken to un-learn everything we have learned to go through this life as the person that we are meant to be. And some are meant to be taken to be lived in that exact moment, without giving it much thought. 

Easier said than done, right? What about the people we meet in the maze? We don't just meet them, do we? We love them, we hate them and some we want to run together with and some, run away from. But maybe we meet these people because whether it is a maze or life, no path gives more meaning when traveling alone. As social animals, it is innate that we crave each other. But just because you have crossed some of the hardest paths with me, will it be alright for me to want you to drop your search and join mine? I'm afraid not! This labyrinth is for us to explore, for us to understand. Even the love of my life could never really comprehend the nightmares I had to endure during this journey and neither can I when it comes to them. But understanding one's own journey will definitely give us the strength and compassion to see and understand what it takes to be on a maze that is constantly changing its course. 

Knowing that, how can I ever hold on to hatred or grudge, or even jealousy? We have never been and never will be on the same path, so when our path crosses I will make sure that my kindness will accompany you. I have not been very kind to myself while I was figuring this puzzle out, so forgive me if I have not been kind to you. This applies to anyone and everyone who has known me, because like I haven't been kind to myself, you haven't been kind to yourself and that is why we both bled when we met. Amidst untangling this beautiful maze, I understand what it means to have a ground that is helping me stand still, my family and friends. Even when lost, you are my guiding light. 

The labyrinth is teaching me to question the bits of driven, linear, achievement-based dysfunction that can make me miserable in a life of incredible blessings and good fortune. We didn’t enter life to get it done. There is no place not worth revisiting. We double back to find the pieces of ourselves that still clutch the same issues like a baby clutching its pacifier. Compassion invited us to this unbearably repetitive, slow, complex path of self-discovery, to show us that only when we surrender our idea of how things should be going do we notice that the entire thing is breathtakingly beautiful.

The woman I wish knows how much I adore her...

 Where do I begin? Ever since I can remember I have been told that I have a sharp tongue and a wit and that I will never be able to fit into the mold that society expects me to. In all honesty, I have been hearing this ever since I started voicing out my views, ideas, and opinions. I cannot deny the fact when I say, this is one of the very few reasons why I was skeptical about making friends, I have always been an object of discussion because they were not able to relate to me and I cannot blame them as I have never been able to relate to them. I remember I was 16 when I first found her, my mom and I saw a movie that was an altered version of her book. Upon my efforts, I found her in my school library in the dustiest sections and got hold of her. Ever since I found her, my life has never been the same and I am eternally grateful that she never stopped writing. Let me give you a hint, the first book I read was 'Pride and Prejudice', if you are someone who has the least interest and knowledge of English Literature and its classics, you know the woman. Jane Austen! 

Of all her works 'Pride and Prejudice' is still my favorite because I am more of Elizabeth Bennett than I have been Anne or Emma or Fanny or Catherine. One of the reasons being I can completely relate to her and how I solely believe that "Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony, which is why I will end up an old maid" (😂 it is true). And how I want it to be "you have bewitched me body and soul. I love, love, love you" and not "I love you". some may call it standards but I call it 'love and conviction'. I cannot help but also fall in love with all the classics after I found JA, I love and adore 'Little women', 'Jane Eyre, and almost all the work of Bronte, and words would never suffice to tell how much I love Keats. This is not an ode to these legends, their work is doing the talking and they don't need recognition by an amateur writer like me, but this is another confession of how this woman made me feel less alone and gave me confidence that this 20th-century work failed to do. 

If you are a regular reader of this space you know how much of an old soul I am and how my heart screams all things vintage, when I first started reading JA I thought it was my love and yearning for regency and victorian era that made me more attached than I thought it will. But with time, I understood that it is the irony of how what a woman in the 1700s felt and expressed can still be felt and understood and the reliability of it all to a woman living in the 2000s. Don't come at me saying that I am a stark feminist or that we both have some high/unrealistic expectations...because either way, I wouldn't deny it. I am a proud feminist and I have expectations about the man I will fall in love with and get married to and also how it is not your place to have a comment or say in that. No offense though! 

We all have opinions and it is a sign of knowledge to the least, as long as we keep the opinions to benefit others and make sure it doesn't become judgemental and takes the best of us- all is well indeed. Coming back to my undying love for this woman...if not for her feministic perspective and the outspoken ability to be her fierce, loving, and sensitive self...I'd never be the person that I am today. Like Captain Wentworth said "I am half agony and half hope", I am both a romantic and a feminist and it really takes a Darcy William to understand this and love someone like me. And the Elizabeth Bennett in me never rushes this, for something this strong cannot be rushed. 

If not for her or Bronte or Alcott, I'd be drowning in self-pity and sadness for being single in this millennium. They are my saviors and how everything that is logical, complex, and beautiful about me screams their name and their work. Austen helped me embrace the complicated self that engulfs the hopeless romantic, a bookworm, and a feminist in me without having to shrink myself into the mold that was never made for me in the first place. She gave me the strength to find comfort in my solitude, to write my heart out, and how love will always find its way back home. 

Dear Jane Austen, 

This heart can contain only a little love, or I thought so. But ever since I found you, my love has been ever-growing and ever-expanding with love and only love. I love you most ardently, your voice gave me the strength to voice out mine and it is your writing that made me read and write and how this is the only way I know I can touch you. I have spent days, weeks, and sometimes even months holding on to your work...they always give me hope and they always told me that the 'ending is always going to be happy and beautiful'. Your existence is something I am most grateful for and your work is something I will take with me to my grave. 

"You have bewitched my body and soul...I love, love, love you...most ardently"

-Pranavi J

From One D to BTS

I believe I was 18 when I realized that the obsession I have towards a particular band was called "fangirling", I have never been bothered about "labels" but saying out loud that I love them felt liberating. I am not sure if i could ever put it into words on how they made me feel. I use to be a very private person, meaning I don't enjoy being around people unless the situation demands for it, in my solitude- they were my companions, they were my dream boys and they put a standard for everything around me. But I don't think I can ever write about them without tearing up, for I remember the number of days and nights I woke up and went to bed by just listening to their voice. They were my painkillers! I was entirely heart broken when Zayn announced that he will be quitting the band despite of him being my most favorite, I cannot stand to watch them fall apart. And how as soon as they broke up, 4 AM came live and "History" makes more sense to the ones in this fandom than anyone else. I remember having it on my loop for months straight and crying my eyes out every time it played "You and Me, we got a whole lot of history! So don't let it go"! And a soon as they broke up I literally stopped fan Girling for years! If you have never been obsessed with anything, you can never relate to this blog! For me, personally - I don't do "Love" , I do "Obsession" - my sickness, you could say! 

And that is one of the main reasons why I can't multitask, whether it is an activity or relationships or music bands in this case. Even before One D, I have been and still a proud Swiftie but TS is someone I can always relate to and One D is something that makes me smile whenever I bawl like a baby! So after they broke up, I didn't have a point of obsession for quite some time until this boy band happened. I had no idea that they existed until the 2020 Grammy's, their screen time was less than their song duration but they never failed to made the impression they intended to. I then started listening to their songs, more than the songs it was their bond and the way they express themselves that made me start to obsess over them. 

It was very recently that I got the chance to learn about their journey and I don't think I ever wanted to support or be loyal to some music band ever in my whole life. "They deserve the universe" to quote their ARMY, is definitely not an overrated statement. It has been almost a decade since my fan-gurling has started and in this journey with both the boy bands what I noticed is that, they both had (and BTS still does) haters more than they had supporters at some point of their journey... I couldn't help wonder and admire the drive they had to move forward with literally no goal ahead of them! Like the probability of next live show was a huge question, then talk about the goal to win an award! And BTS has it worse then One D, they were shamed, mocked and silenced ! But they rose up against all the odds.

Being someone who strongly believes in Gender Expressions, Neutrality and Passion, I admire these boys for normalizing a lot of things- from crying on stage to boldly wearing make up! And I really hate it when some imbeciles question their Gender Orientation based on their Gender Expression, when will we ever understand that Gender Orientation is a very private affair? And they are artists, it is high time we admire their art, be happy because of their art, have their art as our companion during our darkest days irrespective of the label we give them based on their color, language and race! 

As much as BTS ARMY is overrated right now, I certainly do not undermine it or mock it because they are the people who has seen their favorite band grow through the struggle. We will never understand how it feels, so it is better if we don't mock them over it! I love both the boy bands and they are very close to my heart because I have a thing for boys who are passionate about what they do !! And also, calling dibs on Zayn from One D since 2013 and Jin from BTS since 2021! From "You don't know you are beautiful" to "My Universe"- thank you for making me believe that I deserve better and that I am beautiful and that I can smile even after crying !! Love you and Saranghae! 

 

"all my enemies started out friends"

Damn ! Thanks to TS for the title (:P) ! Also low-key gloating that I am a swiftie! So, you might have guessed what this is about- if not, it is about how the cliché "Quality over Quantity" is really making sense right now. Ever since I remember, I have always been picky when it comes to making friends, mainly because I have trust issues (No, there's nothing wrong with admitting, it is what it is). It takes a really long time for me to trust someone, to open up (my soul and mind) and mainly, no communication or miscommunication is a deal breaker. I talk, talk and talk till I get clarity over any subject for that instance and trust me, I am an introvert. I'm not sure if I am jinxed because, even with me being extremely picky I some how end up choosing the wrong ones. After living 27 years of my life, with consciously choosing friendships for the past 10 years, taking some friendships granted for almost 15 years...I have only one person whom I can call as my "best friend". I've never been someone who draws a line between friends and acquaintance, anyone who is not my close friend is an acquaintance (main reason why I don't have many friends - no regrets though!). I am not good at making conversations, for the sake of it or just to hold on to something. If we don't get along- we don't (sorry not sorry!). 

I wasn't like this though, but time changes people in a way we least expect. Thanks to the ones who started out as my friends, became my best friends then and now- total and complete strangers. May be strangers who shared a lot, who loved a lot and who knew to break each other like it is nothing, who knew each other's weak spot and made sure we stabbed right on the spot. THANK YOU, NEXT! I wish you nothing but only love and peace for you, and that I never get to meet or hear about you as long as I shall live. No hate, No regret- just some insane hurt! Anyways, this is not about you humans ! It is about how, I've not been at my sanity over the past few weeks because I am not good at handling losing people (If you know, you know). And how I have come to realize that this messy phase is somewhat necessary to move forward. 

Why is it, it hurts so much to lose a friend? May be, it is because it is the first conscious relationship we choose for ourselves. We are ourselves when we are with them, without any inhibition, we lay our soul naked to them, we give them access to the most sensitive part of ourselves- all with one hope. That they will treasure this as much as we do. You may think, this sounds like a romantic relationship rather than a friendship, well- don't you love your friends? Because, one of the pros of being an introvert and being very calculative about the people I chose is that, I give my complete attention, time, love and effort to the very few. I most definitely don not expect them to reciprocate this, but I inadvertently expect them to acknowledge this. I have been friends with the most extroverted people and I never question how they chose to express their time and love, I only do when they ask me to become one ! Thankfully, none of my best friends (who were extroverts) never asked me to. 

Coming to the phase, the one's I chose as best friends never did leave me...it has always been me. I chose to leave them (damn! I am a bad person- you think!). I chose to leave them, cut the ties off or whatever we choose to call it...I did what I did because, at some point in our lives I realized that we are very different and we were not appreciating each other's differences, the priorities changed, communication started to take a hit, claimed we don't have boundaries with each other but you built a huge wall and made sure I don't have the access in, you said we don't have any secrets but turns out it did and I respect your privacy but not at the cost of you choosing to lie to me. You still made sure that we had something to hang on to, we do my love, we do! The memory of how you'll always be the person I choose to love with all my heart, made you my family (god! that shit hurts! every one who knows me- knows you!), made you hold my sofi (you know how much of a big leap it is to me), you knew I valued your friendship more than anything, you knew it all...my insecurities, my deepest fears and how you knowing it all was my strength! And how you choose to let all this go in flames when you built that wall and wanted to call me your best friend only for the sake of it, you wanted me as a decorative while you were very much alive and breathing in my life. 

And you expected me to stand with you while you made me feel like shite! That is when I chose to walk away, I don't want to stand in the way of you becoming a whole new person, I don't want to be the thing that holds you back! And I am no one to comment on the change, same way it is not up to you to comment on why I chose to let you go ! Be free, my love! (It is more than one person though, and I called all the 3 of you as "my love"). I still love you and god, I still miss you! But me choosing to stay in your life is going to do no good for the both of us, some how you made me feel like I am holding you back...that I am not worth your friendship. May be, I am not worthy of it and it'd have been a relief if you had told me this in a year or two rather than taking a decade or half ! 

As much as I miss sharing my strangest dreams with you, telling the silliest and weirdest thought that crosses my mind, you being the first person to know any good news, your hug, your valentine messages, fighting with your best friends to be the first person to wish you on your birthday, you telling me 'it is going to be alright', you mentioning how I should marry the one who will move mountains for me and how we planned to live, laugh, love and die as 80 year olds...I miss the person you were, the one you used to be! And when I see the one you become now, I look at you with awe! And I hope you feel the same way when you look at me, I'd never have it in me to hate you, to un-love you and all I ask for you is not to turn into my enemy as they used to...! 

This growth, this distance, this messy phase...we are never going to look at each other the way we used to, and I send you strength if you are fighting something and here's my love for you to live a happy life the way we always dreamed of, even if we are not in each other's we are who we are right now because of each other. I will cherish all the moments we had together, all the time you cried when I cried and how I bawled like a baby when you began to cry, our sleep overs, our crazy singing and how we laughed our hearts out as if there is no tomorrow and how you know all my crushes and how you disapproved each and every one of them and how I will always be okay with the one you chose to love...and how I know you will go heights ! You were my best friend but you will always be a beautiful human. We grew apart to grow, not to hate each other for moving in different ways. 

"I have been the archer and I have been the prey!" 

 

Love, or something like that !

With the V-day around the corner, a hopeless romantic (me) is really restless. I cannot help but wonder if it is the peer pressure around the relationship paradox or the biological clock ticking ! Either way, as much as I romanticize life and every bit of love in it...I am very skeptical when it comes to "relationship". May be I am not someone who can be easily swept off one's feet or may be I have some high standards or may be I want the Chivalry and equality at the same time and how both have been misunderstood lately! So, anyways...What keeps me going is the sweet, cheesy and definitely cliché rom-com movies ! 

Did you guess the movie I am going to talk about? If you are my mom or my close friend you'd have guessed it right ! Because lately it is the only movie I have been talking about! "To all the boys I have loved" ! And the more I think of why I like it so much, I cannot come up with one particular reason. It might be the aesthetics, may be LJ is someone I can relate so much to and may be because I really really love to have PK as a boyfriend. Why is it, to quote Carrie..."Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we have?". And it is not the Peter I miss in my life, but the fact how he stood with a boom box outside Jean's house (that is a real winner, ya'll!). For me, that is chivalry in the millennium, to do what makes your girl happy! And I know very well that "Perfect boys only exist in the books", that one's a bummer but can't help but fall in love with the moments that makes me feel that love, or something like that is still alive and there is hope for it ! 

 

And coming back to the movie, as much as LJ found her "love" in 16...not everyone is lucky that way. Especially for someone who was so sure of falling in love with only a vampire through out high school (please, don't even ask!). Though I don't regret it, I wish I had met someone who is as charming as Peter Kavinsky or Troy ( sorry I have been watching rom-com's ever since I got access to the TV remote). But then considering how extremely calculative I am, when it comes to people and relationships, it is not a wonder that I did not meet my Peter or Troy, worse I would've definitely let them slip ! No regrets though, because for me it is more of a life time deal- once you are in you are in for one hella ride, no stepping back! Let's face it, relationship of any sort involves effort and time and it is important that we choose the person we love irrespective of what comes ahead. Considering the number of divorces happening around, it feels like waiting and taking time to make this big life decision not in rush sounds like the right thing to do ! Just because other's timeline looks or seems faster than our own, doesn't mean we are standing still or moving slow...like the theory of relativity, we all view the world relative to our surroundings. 

As much as I love watching this movie, I'd trade anything to have something as real and as strong their love is, or Bhim and Hidimba's or Noah and Allie's, or Carrie and Big's or Christian and Ana's (see what I did here?) or Edward and Bella's or Augustus and Hazel's or Hermoine and Ron's or O'Connel and Eve's (see again :P ). I hold all these characters so close to my heart and I lived their life vicariously, and that is how I keep my inner hopeless romantic alive. Let's face it, until I meet the one, this is how I fall in love, live in love and sometimes I die too ! Love, in all it's glory is something to be celebrated all day every day! Having just one day to love, in a way looks like we are belittling it ! I am in love, with life...every minute and every second of it. Curating it with the best people who promise to not break my heart and with the ones who tender the sweet gestures of love! 

Here's me wishing you to live this amazingly beautiful life filled with love, or something like that ! 💟