"the big picture"

Ever since I have started this blog, a lot of things changed and are still changing...but the only thing that remained the same is the fact that I believe in, "life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles". I happened to have a conversation with a friend and I found myself saying "I am trying to focus on the bigger picture here" and that person was kind enough to not ask what that picture was. But being the overthinker that I am, I cannot help but understand what that was. As much as,  I have to acknowledge the fact that I am someone who obsesses over the tiny details... whether it is a person or a thing or anything. Details matter to me, I hold them so close to my heart. With this being said, how am I in a place right now where "I am trying to focus on the big picture"? 

I took myself down memory lane before answering that question. The first ever memory I hold so close to this beautiful life is my mom's voice singing our favorite lullaby that puts me to sleep and how her voice and the song have the same impact on me even today. It is followed by a string of memories where my paati got me my favorite cream biscuit and I did not even tell her that it was my favorite (and, I believed this is how love works), and how my mama used to spoil me with all sorts of stationaries even at the cost of my mom dissing at him. And how dipping me in the drum used to be the only right way to spend my dad's Sundays. And how my getting a bar of chocolate to visit my brother at the hospital when he broke his hands was his way of knowing that I love him. And how picking me to be her partner even when I suck at math was my best friend's love language. And how waiting for me to come back home and give him those 5 biscuits was all that Jimmy (my stray) ever wanted. And how, getting me ice cream, every single time we meet and taking these insanely slow walks was my first love's little thing to do to make me smile. And how, my girls trusted me with every minute and embarrassing detail of their life, knowing that I will still love them. And how, even when we had to wake up and work the next day, we spent hours talking to each other on the phone and slept listening to each other breathe... 

Looking back, these are the exact memories I want to take with me when I become dust. Are these big gestures? No. Does this mean I don't fondly keep the big gestures that have been done for me? No. Big gestures were the symbol of how big I am in their life. From their surprises to the gifts they spoil me with, I hold them all close. But, If I have to take a minute and think if this is the big picture I want, the answer would be NO. 

When I say big picture, I meant spending the Sunday together, cooking our favorite meal and watching each other's favorite TV, and laughing together. My big picture is when we are a bunch of 40-something and 70-something women and go on road trips, reminiscing the silly things we did when we were young. My big picture is, seeing my parents look at me, whenever I hold a cat or a dog and how they find it so hard to say no to me. My big picture is, watching my parents grow old in love together. My big picture is, having my entire family eat a big meal together and laugh our hearts out. My big picture is, listening to my paati and watching her smile at peace knowing I will listen to her gossip even when my mom says No. My big picture is, having a passion for the rest of my life. My big picture is, never running out of time to stop and admire the wild flowers. My big picture is, listening to Taylor Swift and being able to connect to her lyrics every single time. My big picture is, being able to tell you my mind and no doubt about you loving me even for a minute. My big picture is, being able to laugh at myself whenever I stumble and not take myself too seriously. My big picture is, holding your hands and still being able to feel the sense of safety and comfort like I do now, even when we are 80. My big picture is, telling my akka to cook me briyani even when I am old. My big picture is, telling my thambi, how I cannot believe he is a grown-up. My big picture is, talking to you without any filters for the rest of my life. 

And when I think of all this, my big picture really is a series of thousands of small moments that makes my soul go "ahh!". The moments I want to enjoy every second of it, the moments I know I won't regret ever, the moments I know I will have with me for the rest of my life. May be, it is high time that we accept and acknowledge the fact that we all cannot have the same big picture and it is alright. It doesn't make anyone else's any small, after all...this isn't a competition. This is my big picture and each and every little moment and my people make up my whole world and life. 

Forever grateful for the insanely beautiful humans I have been bestowed with. 

(touchwood!)