Damn ! Thanks to TS for the title (:P) ! Also low-key gloating that I am a swiftie! So, you might have guessed what this is about- if not, it is about how the clichΓ© "Quality over Quantity" is really making sense right now. Ever since I remember, I have always been picky when it comes to making friends, mainly because I have trust issues (No, there's nothing wrong with admitting, it is what it is). It takes a really long time for me to trust someone, to open up (my soul and mind) and mainly, no communication or miscommunication is a deal breaker. I talk, talk and talk till I get clarity over any subject for that instance and trust me, I am an introvert. I'm not sure if I am jinxed because, even with me being extremely picky I some how end up choosing the wrong ones. After living 27 years of my life, with consciously choosing friendships for the past 10 years, taking some friendships granted for almost 15 years...I have only one person whom I can call as my "best friend". I've never been someone who draws a line between friends and acquaintance, anyone who is not my close friend is an acquaintance (main reason why I don't have many friends - no regrets though!). I am not good at making conversations, for the sake of it or just to hold on to something. If we don't get along- we don't (sorry not sorry!).
I wasn't like this though, but time changes people in a way we least expect. Thanks to the ones who started out as my friends, became my best friends then and now- total and complete strangers. May be strangers who shared a lot, who loved a lot and who knew to break each other like it is nothing, who knew each other's weak spot and made sure we stabbed right on the spot. THANK YOU, NEXT! I wish you nothing but only love and peace for you, and that I never get to meet or hear about you as long as I shall live. No hate, No regret- just some insane hurt! Anyways, this is not about you humans ! It is about how, I've not been at my sanity over the past few weeks because I am not good at handling losing people (If you know, you know). And how I have come to realize that this messy phase is somewhat necessary to move forward.
Why is it, it hurts so much to lose a friend? May be, it is because it is the first conscious relationship we choose for ourselves. We are ourselves when we are with them, without any inhibition, we lay our soul naked to them, we give them access to the most sensitive part of ourselves- all with one hope. That they will treasure this as much as we do. You may think, this sounds like a romantic relationship rather than a friendship, well- don't you love your friends? Because, one of the pros of being an introvert and being very calculative about the people I chose is that, I give my complete attention, time, love and effort to the very few. I most definitely don not expect them to reciprocate this, but I inadvertently expect them to acknowledge this. I have been friends with the most extroverted people and I never question how they chose to express their time and love, I only do when they ask me to become one ! Thankfully, none of my best friends (who were extroverts) never asked me to.
Coming to the phase, the one's I chose as best friends never did leave me...it has always been me. I chose to leave them (damn! I am a bad person- you think!). I chose to leave them, cut the ties off or whatever we choose to call it...I did what I did because, at some point in our lives I realized that we are very different and we were not appreciating each other's differences, the priorities changed, communication started to take a hit, claimed we don't have boundaries with each other but you built a huge wall and made sure I don't have the access in, you said we don't have any secrets but turns out it did and I respect your privacy but not at the cost of you choosing to lie to me. You still made sure that we had something to hang on to, we do my love, we do! The memory of how you'll always be the person I choose to love with all my heart, made you my family (god! that shit hurts! every one who knows me- knows you!), made you hold my sofi (you know how much of a big leap it is to me), you knew I valued your friendship more than anything, you knew it all...my insecurities, my deepest fears and how you knowing it all was my strength! And how you choose to let all this go in flames when you built that wall and wanted to call me your best friend only for the sake of it, you wanted me as a decorative while you were very much alive and breathing in my life.
And you expected me to stand with you while you made me feel like shite! That is when I chose to walk away, I don't want to stand in the way of you becoming a whole new person, I don't want to be the thing that holds you back! And I am no one to comment on the change, same way it is not up to you to comment on why I chose to let you go ! Be free, my love! (It is more than one person though, and I called all the 3 of you as "my love"). I still love you and god, I still miss you! But me choosing to stay in your life is going to do no good for the both of us, some how you made me feel like I am holding you back...that I am not worth your friendship. May be, I am not worthy of it and it'd have been a relief if you had told me this in a year or two rather than taking a decade or half !
As much as I miss sharing my strangest dreams with you, telling the silliest and weirdest thought that crosses my mind, you being the first person to know any good news, your hug, your valentine messages, fighting with your best friends to be the first person to wish you on your birthday, you telling me 'it is going to be alright', you mentioning how I should marry the one who will move mountains for me and how we planned to live, laugh, love and die as 80 year olds...I miss the person you were, the one you used to be! And when I see the one you become now, I look at you with awe! And I hope you feel the same way when you look at me, I'd never have it in me to hate you, to un-love you and all I ask for you is not to turn into my enemy as they used to...!
This growth, this distance, this messy phase...we are never going to look at each other the way we used to, and I send you strength if you are fighting something and here's my love for you to live a happy life the way we always dreamed of, even if we are not in each other's we are who we are right now because of each other. I will cherish all the moments we had together, all the time you cried when I cried and how I bawled like a baby when you began to cry, our sleep overs, our crazy singing and how we laughed our hearts out as if there is no tomorrow and how you know all my crushes and how you disapproved each and every one of them and how I will always be okay with the one you chose to love...and how I know you will go heights ! You were my best friend but you will always be a beautiful human. We grew apart to grow, not to hate each other for moving in different ways.
"I have been the archer and I have been the prey!"
